Just in case you’re wondering why I have not update anything on my blog these days, it is because I moved to blogger last year and some sort lazy to update it in here - to defence myself from some what unintelligent commentaries i might receive from some what people.
You may redirect yourself to the new blog (link down there), if you want to.
cheers!
This is a debut after my suicide note couple of months ago. I was thinking… hey, if i ain’t have any pleasant things to blog on from the back of my head, i rather stop and just let the time fly by. Finally..
To be honest, I’ve been thinking about wedding a lot these days. Yes, wedding.. but not my own. =) Maybe I was driven due to couple of friends of mine and people i know got married these couple of weeks.
First it was Reen and AJ who got hitched on the great 08.08.08
Then Herry’s [my bestie's bro] got married last week
Then I heard Nora had her reception at the same day too… how ever..
Selamat Pengantin Baru, folks~!
Not just that, my mind runs wild as there are couple of my friends who are getting married - soon. Like.. Rudy and Intan, Jacq and her spouse, Vincent and his spouse - which all of them [i think] are tying their knots end of this year. Gosh.. I am in ‘adult’ world, ain’t i? Scary. I forgot that I’m now 22.
Over these few months, I also developed a new.. shall I say habit or hobby? where ‘wedding’ is my current top Google search at the moment [and too much of wedding pictures of my friends in facebook]. Strange but true, I fell in love viewing wedding pictures. I wonder if there’s any other human being on this earth that shares the same habit/hobby like mine. I don’t know, its like a every little girl’s dream to have their own wedding fantasy, it sorta gives me an inner tranquility and a pleasant feelings. =) Uh.. such a pure and pretty.
I remember I told my grandmom’s maid last December.. ‘andai kata Lydia kawin nanti, Lydia nak pakai wedding planner. tak kira!’. Why? Oh well.. I hv a personal reason ya know.
… and again, money plays a role in this scenario. Therefore, no money, no talk. =.="
Then it comes till earlier this morning when I watched Wedding Daze on Hallmark channel. I think I’ve watched that movie for more than 10 times, without fail. Its about a father who gets paranoid when all his 3 daughters are getting married at the same time. How cute. I wonder my father will get that paranoid [or as Jack Landley said in the movie - having a punch on his tummy] when the time arrive to let me go with my future husband. … nah, he won’t! Trust me. Hahahhahaha~!
I watched Ayat-Ayat Cinta [finally] yesterday morning since it was raining heavily. I found out this quote been ringing in my head ever since and its feels pretty distuuuuurbing…
"… antara cinta dan keinginan untuk memiliki itu tidak sama… "
A blog is a website which usually mantained by an individual which includes a commentary, ideas, videos, graphics and description of events. Perhaps i misused the existance of blog as an entity for me to let off my anger, well.. atleast most of it. Its like an open diary which I dont f*cking care wat people think bout it.
Cut story short, I hate my life. I hardly can feel myself now, its sorta I’m dead inside. I think sooner or later i will get a migraine, high blood pressure and myocardiac infarction - if i may live any longer. I’m emotionally tired, my brain is tired. It sucks.
My relationship with my family, especially with my mom is at stake. We had been quarreling much of the time for the past few weeks. She had been constantly a nag these days and the reason I dont fight back is because I dont want to be rude and preventing it from getting any worst. Deep inside, I think I can explode in any time soon. Damn, I’m tired of this emotionally distress. Certain time i feel like moving out from the house and this time, almost everyday I feel like dying. At random rate I’ll think bout death.
I cant help it, occasionally I feel like blaming my brother for going Oz too soon. It’s just a ticket for him to get away from his responsibility, left the rest of us tremble by picking up his shit. And I dont understand why my mom was so keen to send him a.s.a.p without even thinking the consequences ahead. Now she’s stress and became a push-over, which making my life hard and more stress than ever. Yea, most of yous out there will say its a way for me to learn a stress-management and critical control. F*ck you la. What good it brings if I’m starting to consider a suicide now?
I’m tired juggling my life around like nobody’s business, I’m tired thinking bout others which end up no one think bout me in return. I need a little space of MY own, I want to do things on my own way and I want my voice to be heard.
Please reserve your comments. If you’re thinking of consoling me, it wont help me even a single shit - unless u take my place and my role in this shit and let me get a little thing that can I consider a LIFE.
Look what I found in my pile of mail! [initially it was in envelope la] I cant believe Elliot Minor [a UK rock band, they are not popular in Malaysia, but a totaly big name in UK - google them if u want to] would actually send me the dog tag since they said it is only limited to their fans in UK. Since the letter was at the bottom of the pile, i reckon it had been there for at least 2 months! Whoa.. thats a very long time! Besides the lame part of hand-written photostated letter [haha, understood la, they hv loads of fans] from Alex Davies [the vocalist - now i know he has a quite ugly handwritting. haha], I’m more jolted to receive the very limited edition dog tag from them. Why is it a limited edition? Because it is given to their street team in UK only. And they put me as an exception. Muaxx.. love them! Now.. I cant wait for May to come back Malaysia [besides missing her very much] in July/August to bring back Elliot Minor’s cd for me! Weee!
Just a mini confession that i feel like blurting it out in here. I met someone at Sunburst last week, to be frank.. it was the first time I met him face to face. At first, I dont feel anything since we sorta bummed into each other. Not really bummed into each other, more like I bummed into him since he was sitting with his mates there and my friend was talking to his mates for couple of seconds. Then after having some small talk, he stood up for a picture with me, i was like "whoa.. u’re huge, man!". Seriously, I didnt meant to be so rude, its just slipped out of my freaking big mouth! Yikes. Then he laughed "hahaha.. yea I know!". [to think back of it.. he is HUGE. His height is like 6'2 and has a very tough figure. Lan told me HE has a large bone structure - thanx Azlan]
After I got back, few days from Sunburst.. some of my peers gave their point of view [which really not necessary] that we both actually look good together. [haih, pernah ke i never look good with anyone?! haha] Then I thought its a huge nonsense. Then gradually I started to remember how charmed and thoughtful he was that evening. That look. That eyes. That voice. That smile. That laugh. Its all coming back to me now. I started to add him into my other community websites [not friendster - its way too scandalous], since he asked me to send the picture of us together. And glad, he remember me, tho’ it had been many days since Sunburst. He actually called me Sweety?! It may sounds corny, but definitely not a crime if it practically made grin thru out the whole day. =)
Ever since then, he just constantly stuck in my mind! I’m trying hard to tell myself "he’s just another imagination, he’s just another imagination.." so i can get over it but I guess the imaginary guy [he's not really imaginary la, just an extended network] is not planning to leave my head in this mere of time. Yikes. Help!
p.s: I certainly wasn’t talking about John Legend!
Its been among the worst 48 hours i ever had, I practically became insane. Hard to admit that i lost my pendrive [yes, the purple penguin]. To some people, its a normal thing. To me, it isnt. Why? Because every data of my theses are inside the freaking pendrive, thats is why! And my theses presentation is in a freaking 3 weeks time!!!! Enough with the fact my laptop crashed few months ago. Ah.. its like an icing on the cake. I feel so sh*tty about it.
The moment I think ‘can things get any worst than losing the pendrive?’.. yet it can!!! After searched for my pendrive at my uni [since it is not in my car], i’ve decided to find my supervisor to seek for a word of wisdom. But like wise, she’s not around. So I moved on to see my mentor, Dr.Yap. After spill my heart n sorrow in his office [thank God he's in a good shape, if not he might get heart attack by only thinking about my sole problems], then he asked me who is my supervisor now. I answered ‘Dr.Normala la’. Then he said, ‘But Dr.Normala left this uni last week’. I was like ‘omg!!! she didnt tell me anything about it. And I doubt my friends know about this’. To cut things short [since i'm not really in the mood to blog much tonight], I hv no theses and I hv no supervisor now, and my presentation is in 3 weeks time! Which next week i need to see the Deputy Dean to discuss about my heart-aching mind-wrenching problem. I hv a feeling that i need to extend for another sem to complete my theses. Which is not gonna be next sem since i’m going for practical. By extending another sem, I wont be graduating this year. Owh bummer!
I feel so insecure at the moment. It feels like many ppl took me for granted, I feel used. I’m tired answering people’s tremendous question [they sounded like darn police] and I’m tired pleasing other people while I get nothing in return. Sounds like a big head huh? I dont know, I’m just questioning my right. I miss my friends like Su May, Farid and Yati; who practically accept me as what I am without judging me much, who practically listen to my woes and share my joy. I miss them very much, especially in such a moment like this. If only they are here at this moment.
There’s someone I know whose trying his very hard to be a very good listener to my woes at the moment. I appreciate his care, kindness and will. At least I know I still hv someone to count on since my bestfriends are in overseas. He’s such a great friend. May Allah will always bless you, you know who you are. =)
p.s: maybe i should get myself a boyfriend for the sake of universal peace and serenity in this humanity.
Today is a fine day, a very fine sunny Sunday.. a perfect time to do my reports and proceed my theses. I’m sorta been jolted with enthusiast since the end of Indonesian flick Cintaku Dalam Sebungkus Gado-Gado (TV3). Interesting, light, entertaining story line… and i’m impressed one of the line in that movie ‘gwe pandang rendah pada orang yang memandang rendah akan profesi orang lain’. Sorta remind myself not to judge other people base on other’s profession. Maybe you should too. =)
I had a hard time to complete my 2nd Medical Microbe lab report for the entire week because: 1) This pc is totaly in the state of weng-ness this whole week; and 2) I certainly dont think the colonies on BP agar is Staphylococcus aureus as suggested from my classmates. Class, this is neither Stapylococcus aureus nor Staphylococcus epidermidis. Because, from my reading, both of S.aureus and S.epidermidis will appear in black colony surrounded by clear zone on BP agar, but on this plate.. it appear white. And I assumed its a yeast. Therefore, to justify my answer [so i can carry on my lab report] I’ve asked the lecturer about it and he said that is NOT S.aureus or S.epidermidis as what been assumed by my classmates [majority]. Hence, yeay me! I still can assume its a yeast or other microbes but still need to include that the colonies that grown on the BP agar is neither S.aureus nor S.epidermidis.
Ah, recently I’ve been shocked by the rumour that hv been spread about me [yes, me] in my class. Wah, wah wah.. suka hati je buat rumour nieh! Just to make a statement: 1) No, I didnt make a ‘background’ check of that person. [gosh, i was bored.. so I google je la what ever name yg popped on my mind that time], 2) For God sake, he’s just like few years younger than my mom [da tua pon org tu]; and 3) I dont know, maybe its a curse from my name, but certainly I’m NOT interested on him. Though i think his personality is adorable and he’s an undeniably nice person [ala.. korang pon kata dia nice, kan?!] but haih, dia suami orang and bapak orang lar, absolutely not my cuppa tea! HAHAHAHAHAH! [I'm still taking this matter as a HUGE HUGE HUGE joke!]
Dreams, Wishes, and Tears by Sir Shotgun
If dreams were given to a lonely man
and a lonely man’s dreams came true,
I’d force myself to sleep all the time
just so I could dream of you
If wishes were given to a lonely man
and I was given just two,
I’d wish for you to always love me
and the other I’d give to you
If my tears could write a love song
I’d write a love song for you,
It would explain just how I feel inside
and how much I love you too
But, dreams are only dreams
and wishes seldom come true,
My tears can’t write a love song,
but when they fall, they fall for you
Send My Friend An Angel by Corky Ferguson
Please send my friend an angel.
Send her one of mine;
A loving and caring one,
The best that you can find.
Please send my friend an angel,
And trust her with its care;
Someone or something for her to love,
And to always be there.
Please send my friend an angel,
One to help her fill her days;
With hope, love, and laughter,
And the warmth of sunshine rays.
Please send my friend an angel
You know she gave me one of mine.
Please send her down an angel;
A true friend’s hard to find.
Dedicated from Abe We in Bristol, thank you brother! Dont forget to bring me present when u’re coming back to Malaysia, very soon! Haaaaaa~!
Dont mind my rojak.
1. I woke up early because I thought my class starts at 8.30am. Padahal my class start at 10.30.
2. Arrived at UNISEL at 10. Urgh.. the parking space near the cafe was FULL HOUSE!
3.Thought of seeing Pn Nurul Huda to view my ETR’s result. She wasnt around.
4. The Medical Microbe class will begin on 2nd January. Damn! Today 10.30am class canceled [again]!
5. After meeting Zul for a while infront of the faculty, decided to extend lepaking by having white coffee/breakkie at Pak Li’s Kopitiam. Darn, i forgot to brought my purse! [Thank God for some very lil cash I kept in the car]
6. Since I cannot proceed my banking routine without my purse, 11am i decided to sped home. Haih. [figuring out i would hv my lunch alone, invited Zulia for lunch at 1pm]
7. Consider lucky to get a car park at Sec9 peak’s hour. Gone to CIMB and Hong Leong, ok. Attempted to transfer some cash from my ASB to Maybank’s account [since i'm going to Penang-Langkawi the next day], failed due to the reason ‘ASB tutup till 2nd January’. Sh*t! How am I gonna buy camera there la?! @#$&%!
8. At 12.30pm - time to chow from Sec 9 and go to SACC to hv lunch with Zulia before my class start at 2pm. On my way to the car, Zulia sms-ed me to cancel the lunch due to something came up. Owhkaaay.
9. I felt so cuckoo. So I just drove to SACC to kill the time [while waiting for my class at 2] by window shopping, hoping for me to hv an appetite to hv my lunch alone there. Apparently, no I didnt hv any appetite to hv my lunch at all. So I just window shopping lar.
10. Decided to find Pop Shuvit’s latest album but tak jual kat Ezy Video there. Spent the afternoon by sight-seeing while replying JD’s msgs. [its a good thing tho', yet i was still cuckoo]
11. Bumped into my classmates there. They said there’s no 2pm class. The class starts at 4pm! Sh*t again! I couldnt bare to waste another 2 hours alone. So I sped home.
12. Home was fine. But I only hv an appetite to hv a 5 spoons of nasi lemak. Thought of asking my maid to cook for my father some cucur at 4.30pm for tea [when i already off to class]. My maid demam la pulak. So end up beli rojak on my way to UNISEL [haih, time aku takde duit la dia nak demam]
13. The first Marketing class was not bad. Planned to hv dinner with Farid at 7.30pm. As soon I reached my car, I felt something odd because the alarm didnt work. Oh my! The car couldnt start! Dzik told me that my head lights were ON when I left my car at 4pm. And the class finished at 7pm! For God sake, why on earth Dzik couldnt just tell/sms me about it?! I couldnt really accept his reason : ‘mana la aku tau kreta ni kreta ko’. [urgh, entah brapa kali la budak ni da naik kreta aku, pastu siap cantek parking kreta dia sbela kreta aku lagi.. boley dia cakap dia tak tau the only satria kaler oren kat UNISEL tu kreta aku????!!! @#$%^&*@#$%^%&!!!!]
14. Thank goodness Zul, Izwan and Nuzul were nearby as well. Tried to push the car few times [yes, I pushed the car with my heels, ada berani?]. Still fail to start the car. End up to asking Farid a really big favor for him to pick up my car jumper at home and bring it to me at UNISEL. [seriously, I felt serba salah to ask him to do that, seriously.]
15. While waiting for Farid. Why why why why why no chilled mineral water at cafe?! As the matter of fact, there’s no mineral water at all there. Curses!
16. Farid came at 8. Tried to jump start the car Oh well, here’s the best part: since both me n farid got no experience in jump start a car, we asked Raj and pak guard for a favor. Both agreed. End up pak guard je yang buat and Raj ‘hilang’. [hah. ye ye je 'boley boley', pastu blah. gi mampos ar. next time kalo takmo tolong, kata je lar takmo tolong!]
17. Still trying to jump start the car with the aid of Farid’s good ol’ BEL. I’m suppose the car dah recharge half way thru. Till the pak guard think he’d put the negative-positive points terbalik. End up my car mati terus and the car jumper cable hangus! again @#$%^&*@#$%^%&!!!! [cant really blame the pak guard, niat dia murni to help me although he didnt know what the heck he's doing. =)]
18. I hv to bare the fact that I need to leave my car for few days in UNISEL since I’m going off to Penang-Langkawi in the very next morning. I called my mom, she said she’ll ask Joe [my mechanic] to pick up the Satria on Saturday. Isk isk. Bye bye JaGeR!. [yea, pretty much I was quite jittery n sad about it on my way back] Oh ya, Farid sent me home and decided to grab a dinner on our way back. Yeay, prosperity burger is back! [finally, the first happy thing after my not so happy moments today]
19. My phone was like a freaking hotline! Takde la sempat aku nak makan. Sorang-sorang telefon [sbenanye depa bukan la nk tanye pasal kreta aku] time aku makan. So, kenikmatan makan prosperity tu agak terganggu jugak la. Haih!
20. My mom asked me to buy for her kuaci but the big pack finish already! So left me with 3 small packets of kuaci to bring back.
21. January issue Cleo blum kluar lagi!!! And its already 27th! Thought of reading cleo on my way to Penang the tomorrow.
22. Farid dropped me home. At least my mom was quite cheerful when i came home just now [dont know why.. haha]. But all I know, blakang kaki aku melecet sebab satu hari pakai heels! Terjerit-jerit aku masa mandi tadi. Sakitnyer!!!!
Thats the end of my disfunctional day. Here I would like to express my highly gratitude towards Zul, Nuzul, Izwan, Dzikri, anonymous junior whose on his way to surau, pak guard, a very HUGE thanx to Farid. Sorry for the trouble. And thanx to Wan and Nisa for d concern. =)
Yeay… I’m going off to Penang-Langkawi till New Year’s eve!
Yeay, finally holiday has arrive! I’m so happy my exam is finally over earlier today and I couldnt be more happy ending the exam today with Food Microbe paper. Well, to be frank, it was quite tough.. but its ok [rather than Fermentation paper couple of days ago, the essay was histerically mega hard!] Bleh, nothing much I can expect from my exams now.. I just wanna kick back and relax in my 3 weeks holiday. I believe I hv many things to think about afterwards.
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As you can see in my photos, yes.. finally I went to the Freakshow Tour. No, I didnt stay till the end. Cant help it, I need to study [it was in the middle of my exam week owh-kay!]. I need to admite, the fans there were histerically crazy! Done couple of meet up with Moots!,Uno, JD, Rudy + Intan, AJ, John, Adam and Ean, then at 8 I sped up home. Surprising, it only took me 20 mins journey back from Ruums. Ohya, I even met Hazreen [AJ's fiancee] there. Wow, finally. Ya know, all these while I really thought she’s a bit ‘garang’ but nah, I was wrong [eeek, I'm so sorry!]. She’s actually very nice and friendly. And I had the shock of my life when she said she knew me before we met that day. She’d read my blogs before. I was like ‘OMG!’. Honestly, in the first place… I never thought people would actually read my blogs. Secondly, God knows what crap have I written in my blog. Haha! [Hazreen, welcome on board!]
p/s: so sad, I didnt get the goody bag! waaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
This might sound weird, but seriously.. I have no idea why African tend to hv a bit of interest on me. Weird enough? Seriously, it happen to me once before and the recent at the Freakshow. That evening, suddenly got one African dude approached me, introduced himself as Tony and wanted be friend with me and he said he likes my kind of beauty. Oh well, I didnt know what he meant, but i just thanked him lar. As we hv some conversation, in that 3 mins… he actually appraised my ‘beauty’ for 5-6 times! Oh I know his genuineness has flung to the hell. As soon as I saw Rudy n Intan, I just said ‘hey, there’s my friends.. nice to meet ya, see ya!’ and ran as fast as i can! Talk about a freaking pervert! [thank u Rudy, Intan, and GOD!]
The next day I talked to Sofee [to spill some goss], she admit Africans are prone to interested on plus size women. Once she watched a documentary about Africans. [she said] The parents there will keep their daughters in the house, stuffed them, and let them out when they are grown up [and grown big] to get married!
Errr… makes me feel wanna lose some extra pounds.
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And yes, I went to Cadasque Orchestra performance too. It was good! Sultan Selangor and the queen were present as well. The music was smooth and beautiful with grace, I like it very much. Oh well, no offence, the orchestra can go on without the tenor. And Sean Ghazi’s special appearance extremely spectacular. Too bad he didnt blow us with the smash hit - Ku Impikan Bintang, but instead he serenaded us with Getaran Jiwa, Semalam and I Have Dreamed [from Anna and The King]. Oh well, I still enjoyed the show [and the post cuckooness cam-whoring with Abg Am, Abg Wadi and Abg Sham] very much, even without Ku Impikan Bintang.
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Omg! My uncle’s wedding is seriously within a month time! Yet, I think there is still havent much been done. Kids, this is why I hate improper planning and last minute wedding plan.
I’m trying my best to let my 10 year old sister live her childhood life as vibrant as possible by giving her a lil’ freedom and to be a bit lenient on her. But what if, the so-called lil’ freedom she treasured all these while will turn her back on me? She’s already hv symptoms to be very social and if we [the family] didnt control her by now, we’re afraid later she gonna be too wild to be tamed. Apparently, she’s starting to showing off her imprudent persona… should i be a lil hard to her? Sad to think about it.
Yeay, I’m going to Langkawi end of next month! OMG.. I’ve not gone out of KL-Selangor-Negri Sembilan for the past 2 years! [erm, I've been to Kuantan last year... and that was because my father had an accident in Kemaman and was transfered to Kuantan GH] Oh yes, it is suck to be stuck for such a long time. Ya know, initially Teng told me the place was full, so I thought..’ owh its ok, wasn’t my luck then, there’s always next time’. Suddenly the other day Dal asked for a copy of my IC and RM5 for insurance. I was like ‘oi, Teng said its fully booked.. I’m not going lar’. And she explained everything to me… Teng, Dal, Wan and Nisa actually faught for my place [eheh, I dont know whether if its true, but based on Dal's fact lar] with Beng to let me come along [i heard it involved kicking out some 'unnecessary ppl' too, its just a rumour though]. ‘omg, u guys did that for me…?????’. A confession, seriously I NEVER expect anything from my friends other than to treat me well back. If it is true what hv been told by Dal, I’m touched for u guys’ wills and efforts. Thank you and love you guys very much! Yeay I’m so excited for Langkawi! [ergh... I heard my uncle is going for honeymoon in Langkawi at the same weekend too. Aiyo.]
Despite the fact I was super happy because my semester has come to an end, I couldnt escape myself from doing something utterly stupid earlier this evening. Well, actually today my dad asked me to try my luck to get tickets for Muzik-Muzik Semi-final Pop/Rock which will be held this weekend. As I walked out of the lift on 5th floor [to go Sri Pentas 2] in my post-exam-cuckooness, suddenly I heard someone said to me ‘Hey’ and I was like ‘Oi’ [dunno why, lately that is my auto respond.. need to quit that habit]. It was Andy, with the rest members of Estranged. Surprise, surprise, he’d just got back from rehearsal. He asked me ‘what are you doing here?’ and I was like frozen to death there, dunno why I felt my body and my brain were numb and I replied with a stiff gesture ‘makan’. Then we said goodbye and so on, I went to TV3, the ticket has been sold out since 12noon. Then I called my friend. She said if I didnt make a fool of myself just now, I might hv a chance to ask Andy bout’ the tickets. Yikes!
p/s: yet, i still dunno the cause of my sudden frozen/stiffness.
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